Thursday, 10 April 2008

'No more of those regrettable incidents with the police, Toad,' said the Rat

Now, fair enough, I've only got some onions and fartichokes actually planted up at the plot, but our house is awash with growing things: leeks, sprouts, sweetcorn, celery etc etc covering every available sunny spot inside & out as well as many many spuds chitting away on the top of the wardrobe. So I've been reasonably pleased with myself so far. There's alot of things getting ready to go into those areas currently covered by black plastic sheeting.

It was, therefore, a small suprise to receive a letter from the Stazi (Allotment Branch) saying that Toad's Empire was uncultivated (as if) and unless there is an improvement in 28 days "steps will be taken".

Cheeky buggers! Don't they know who I am?

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

"Think what fun we shall all have together,"

Keith, my plot neighbour and allotment guru, has been threatening for some time to jack it in as its getting a bit much for him & his missus really wants him to stop. We've all told him that we'll lend a hand with anything he has trouble with, but he seems to be of the opinion that if he can't do it himself then he'd rather not persevere with it.

Anyway, I mentioned this to The Lovely Denise (a.k.a. the wife) & she mentioned that maybe she should get that one...

Now I'm sure that this is partly due to me not allowing her to have any (& I mean ANY) planning or scheduling input to the plot. "It's mine! MINE! Mine I tells ya!".

This idea has good and bad points to it:
The good points are that Keith's plot has two sheds. TWO, count 'em! Whereas mine has none. I'm sure Denise would let me use one of them (for a reasonable fee).
It'd stop much allotment related tension. ("It's MINE! Gerrof!")
It'd be easier to handle the kids if we're both there.

However, the main bad point is that it would instantly turn into a competition (which she'd probably win due to her cheating by having some horicultural ability).

On balance though I think its a rather good idea so I'll have to talk to the Field Officer on Sunday. We'll see... We'll see...

Monday, 25 February 2008

"...but Toad--for it was he--shook his head and settled sternly to his work"

I went back to the plot for the first time in aaaaaages to plant the rapidly softening jerusalem artichokes I got in the post a week or so ago.

It wasn't too bad really. The polythene had been blown around a bit but there were still a few tenatious paving slabs hanging on to it so it was reseated correctly. One small piece was moved to the other end to provide a new bed for the aformentioned "fartichokes".

It was great to be up at the field again - it was really rather busy. I managed to maintain my standards of excellence by remembering my shiney new spade but forgetting my boots - I appeared to be the only person digging in a pair of Tony Hawks skateboard trainers...

A quick visit to the hut to order some manure took a good half an hour extra while John & Jerry (the most Irish guy I've ever met) brought me up to speed with allotment politics (half an hour was for the brief summary - I reckon there should be a Westminster style podcast).

One sour note was that Big Bob's expanding allotment empire has been hit by thieves. He'd hammered in huge 8ft posts to hold the horizontal wires for his fruit (I think) & the scabby bastards have pulled up some of these posts & buggered off with them. Some of the posts have been found at the far end of the field & the concensus is that he should paint them with engine oil which should fix the problem, but Hell's Bells! It's a bloody ALLOTMENT! Do these bloody nuggets think we're doing this 'cos we're excentric millionaires? Sheeesh!

Monday, 8 October 2007


My skinflint powers have been defeated & I've actually put my hand into my pocket and took the screws out of my wallet...
"Oh sh*t. We've been decimalised!"

There I was in B&Q on Saturday, a place with all the calm dignity of a poorly run refuge camp, to purchase (aaaaaaagh - the pain) a roll of black plastic.

A bit later; two new beds dug, both covered in shiney new plastic and a 5 meter wide DMZ of more black plastic between the pumpkin-zone-of-control and the green menace (docks, nettles & other ner-do-wells).

I can't get to the plot often enough to keep the weeds down if I've dug anything over, so this seems to be my only option. I know it's not very nice environmentally, but it will be reused.

Hell. If I have my way it'll become a bloody family heirloom!

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

The Carpet Guy Saves The Day

I've been away for a couple of weeks & the plot was already getting out of hand. Anyway, when I went back to check it this weekend I found this;

Honestly. I was so dispondant I just sat on the bonnet of my car & did nothing - I'm bloody ashamed of myself!

My asparagus bed is virtually invisible, the soft fruit has disappeared and my spuds will require fecking Agent Orange to uncover!

There are, however, a few glimmers of hope: one organic & one of human nature.

Firstly, while I was trying to figure out where the hell my spuds might be I found these:

aren't they beautiful! The larger one is about the size of my head - coooooool!

Even in this wilderness something will still grow!

Secondly. I realised I've got to get tough! Reclaim a small part of the plot & bloody cover the rest, uncovering it bit-by-bit. So I emailed a couple of carpet places & one got straight back to me saying as soon as he does another house and clears out the old carpets he'll call me back (so long as they're not foam backed) and I can help myself... Isn't that nice?

I know some people would say I'm saving him the trouble & expense of getting rid of them himself, but I see it more that he's gone out of his way to help me (complete stranger) & we'll both benefit.


Monday, 18 June 2007

A Partial Success

Well, "Wonder Gadget" was tried, but the soil was too bloody wet (it has been a bit moist here lately) - bah!

Wonder Gadget

Hi Ho.
At least the visit wasn't a complete loss:


First Ever Recipe

Other bloggers, I've noticed, have given offerings of various recipies but I've never given in to the lure - until now. I stumbled upon this recipe this weekend whilst making cakes for Ruby's school fete. Here we go:

Evil Doughnuts
  • Exactly the same as normal doughnuts


Make them in the same way as normal doughnuts but forget to put the sugar in.

There you have it. Even trying just the tiniest bit "just to see" will leave the most gaggingly foul taste in your mouth for the rest of the day.